Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
