Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How does it feel to date your dad?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
