Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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