textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
