You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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