Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Define "chronic" masturbator.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
