i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
