Your face is a jimmy john
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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