It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
