life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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