Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm at about main and main street
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
