he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
