Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
