please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My penis needs a shock collar
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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