dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
