Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
