I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
