My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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