My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
