mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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