I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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