I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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