dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
As shirtless as possible
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
