I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
