my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
