I think I won the penis lottery.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
