I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
