I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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