Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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