So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
