apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
