Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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