I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
