I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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