i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
