this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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