Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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