the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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