FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize