my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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