I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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