i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
