Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
