Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
