He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
