My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
