My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
