"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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