Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
