I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
