did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
