even my farts smell like vagina
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
