I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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