i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
