You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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