Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
