dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
