Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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