I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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