last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
