between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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