I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
