FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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