life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
